Published January 10, 2009
Love lies bleeding in the dying light
Like a scarlet rose tossed aside by life
Trampled by countless feet that pass
O'er the fading green of the withered grass.
Whilst the ruby sun and the sea-green earth
Whirl in the dance they have danced since birth
The love that we had draws its final breath
And sleeps the dreamless sleep of death.
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
Nice (really nice) poem...
I noticed too many words that have similar meanings like Snoink said "dance"...also what does the title have with the poem actually???
R'n'R is very good... But I see this poem too short for its purpose...it's good, but it can be better ...
I don't know why, but I especially like the first words of verses...
Oooh! This is pretty!
Maybe the first "dance" could be "motion"?
In fact! If you have any other questions about anything whatsoever, feel free to PM me. I'm here to help. <3
This critique is TOTALLY not going to make any sense because it's three o'clock in the morning and my brain is fried, but I just had to say something. It's such a pretty poem!
Love lies bleeding in the dying light <-- This line TOTALLY drew me in.
Like a scarlet rose tossed aside by life <-- the whole "by life" part didn't really make sense to me... I would probably take it out entirely.
Trampled by countless feet that pass <-- Have you ever stepped on roses? I don't think so. ^^ They're thorny and they HURT. Even when they break up, the thorns still pretty much stay intact, and it's pretty painful. So I'm not sure that this is what you want to say. Maybe another flower would be good?
O'er the fading green of the withered grass. <-- This is pretty. <3
Whilst the ruby sun and the sea-green earth
Whirl in the dance they have danced since birth <-- Too many dances!
The love that we had draws its final breath
And sleeps the dreamless sleep of death. <-- Here, the repetition of "sleep" is okay, mainly because of the different word sound. ^^ And it's such a pretty ending!
So, I did like this poem and I wanted to say that again. I gave a critique, just to show the thoughts and inconsistencies I saw, but don't give up! You're so close from a lovely poem. <3
If you have any questions about this critique (and I'm sure you do!) feel free to PM me.
a fair poem, I am sure,
your rhyme was grand, your rhythm superb,
if but your topic was a bit cliche,
what topic isnt nowaday?
your imagery was good as well,
In fact, there is not much to comment about your poem, except, personally I found it a little...
lacking in some way, I mean, it's too... done up, too refined,
meh, ask someone else, I am a waste of breathe in this case,
Peace,
God